Pooftacular

I’m a bit extreme. I always have been. I’m chaotic and crazy. I’m outgoing and fun. Witty and I suppose “cute” would be appropriate.

I’ve met a few people who have said to me, “I’ve never met anyone harder on themselves than you.”

It’s true, but I didn’t exactly have a nurturing childhood. I was my own governing system. I created my own morals to live by. I stood by my own standards and when I needed discipline, I either tortured myself or went even more wild. My “rebellious” teen years were pretty outrageous. It’s what happens when you haven’t got parents around.

Physical pain instead of emotional. I used to think of it as the best trade-off.

Just random thoughts. I’ve slept for a couple of hours over the past 4 days or so. The first moment I have to sit down and actually “think”…gets me here; to these thoughts.

This is why I’ve kept myself busy. When I settle down and things are quiet – my mind races.

I’m moving out this weekend. There is a lot to get done. I’ll get back to it now. Maybe my mind will shut up.

Don’t worry though. Those of you that do read my blog. I’ll be OK. This isn’t exactly the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.

I just have to do what I’ve always done; blast some music and push myself harder.

As of yesterday afternoon everything has changed.

The question I had for you all (which would have been posted yesterday evening) was in regards to my art. I’ll ask you about it in a week or two. It doesn’t matter right now.

I’m still at a moderate loss for words. I suppose that’s why writing is better. I don’t wish to actually verbalize what’s going on. There isn’t much to say.

That about sums it up. I’m not leaping for joy, nor am I crawling into a hole to die. I am at an impass. There is much to be done.

As a friend has said to me plenty of times lately, “It’s time to grow up.”

Well, this is me, seeing what I’m made of.

And damnit, this is me, all grown up.

I’m not normal, am I? I mean, I’m so far from the norm that it makes me a little concerned. Next weekend I will be 26. My opinion of my future? I don’t want to give birth to children. I know this might change as I age, but I’m doubting that at this point. It’s the same mentality that I had in Middle School. I forgot about it and promptly remembered once I hit High School. Oddly enough, I also used to say I would never marry. I hadn’t recalled any of this until recently.

I don’t feel like I’m that same 16 year old girl that I once was, but certain things have not changed.

I am the voice of reason. I am also the voice of chaos.

Forever the lone wolf now, I think.

I thought I got the most recent Puppet Master movie for the weekend. Not true! I actually received the very first one! I’ve only see it about a thousand times. Needless to say I didn’t end up watching it.

I did watch Battle Royale. It was just as good as I remembered.

The weekend away was good to me. I know I’ll be just fine in a place of my own. I need that space. At the end of the weekend when you just want to wind down by yourself – I’ll be able to have that.

So that it doesn’t get lost I’m going to post again later about a question for my readers. It would help to have some feedback on it. Until then, I hope you all had a good weekend!

I’ve had nightmares for as long as I can remember. I used to have reoccuring nightmares as a child – which I can still see as though I had them last night.

I started to describe it all, but thought better of it. For the few hours I do sleep – my hellish slumber is private. 

I don’t wish to talk about or describe my nightmares. I just draw them.

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I’m exhausted – physically and emotionally. Nic is trying. I’m not in any way, shape or form, belittling his attempts. It’s only been a few days though. I need time to heal. I need space. I need to get away.

This weekend, my friend Jessica said I could stay at her house. She has been a wonderful help and hopefully there will be plenty of good times to follow.

So, what will I do this weekend? I’m glad you’re so interested, because I’ll tell you!

Today, I will be at work until early afternoon. I’ll head home and pack some clothes, my laptop, my iPod (which needs charging), and some movies.

Saturday at 8am I need to be at Andi’s house to babysit her three children (5 yr. old girl and two 18 month old boys). That will last until 4:30pm or so. At which time I will head back to Jessica’s. At some point on Saturday night I’ll be watching my Netflix choices. You understand that I simply cannot watch a chick flick right now, yes?

The Puppet Master: Axis of Evil (the latest installment that I’ve yet to see)

and

Battle Royale (which I’ve seen before)

These are horror films. I’ve been watching the Puppet Master since I was little. When I saw them for the first time I said, “This is just like my dream…” It’s been that way with most horror movies I’ve seen for the first time. I’ll probably never know why I would dream of hell-sent puppets prior to ever knowing Hollywood had already created them.

I don’t know why, but I like watching horror movies like these. It makes me feel more sane. Someone else in this world probably dreams the way I do and is able to put it on the big screen. I’m not alone!

Sunday at noon I’m meeting a friend of mine to head out to Hocking Hills. I’ve never been there before. We’re going rock climbing. I don’t know what time we’ll head home.

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As you can see, I’m keeping myself very busy. I joined the Krav Maga gym place that I went to last night. My membership fee covers every single class they offer. Some of them are: Brazillian jui jitsu, boxing, muay tai, cardio, crossfit, etc. The list goes on. I can go there for any class on any night that I haven’t already made plans for.

Tuesday evenings I will be playing soccer with a group of laid back 40 year olds. They claim I’ll be running circles around them. I doubt that. I’m just as laid back and I’m not in it to show-off. I miss playing soccer, but didn’t want to compete. This team has said “we play for fun – only. we are non competitive.” Sounds ideal to me.

Wednesdays I will be bowling. My friend Jessica’s husband has a team and needed people – so I opted to join.

I’m trying to stay well-rounded I guess. As a few people have put it, “Now is the time of Caitlin.”

I’ll figure out exactly who I am.

————-

P.S. Micaela, I got your letter – thank you times a thousand and I’ll be writing a few letters this weekend

Not much to report today.

I’ve been babysitting some carpenters here at the office for two days now. They’re nice boys…but very loud. Such is life when installing cabinetry.

Tonight I will be starting a Cardio MMA class. For those that do not know, MMA means Mixed Martial Arts. You know those cage matches where the men end up all bloody and half dead? That’s MMA Fighting. The UFC is a blood-bath.

I’ve started to focus and obsess with fitness. I don’t know why. I am getting skinnier, though I do not need to. I am getting faster, though I haven’t a place to run to.

But, it makes me feel safe.